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1. Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people. 2. What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber. 3. Why should you borrow money from pessimists? They don't expect it back. 4. I just found out I'm being followed! My girlfriend told me she's been seeing people behind my back. 5. Why do women's brains cost less than men's? Because they're used. 6. My therapist said she wanted to understand my trauma better. So, I brought her home for Thanksgiving. 7. What did the coffin say to the grave? I’ve got you covered. 8. Tombstone engraving: I TOLD you I was sick! Two people are laughing in a comedic scene, one holding a drink. The person on the left wears a plaid shirt, and the person on the right wears a patterned top NBC 9. I couldn’t understand why the baseball was getting closer and closer... And then it hit me. 10. I was at the bank making a deposit and the woman next to me asked if she could check her balance. So, I pushed her over. 11. "A man in his 80s told me this one: ‘You know the problem with most people my age? They’re dead.'" —Male, Texas 12. What do you call an inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off. 13. “Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Patient: What’s the good news? Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live. Patient: That’s good? What is the bad news? Doctor: I should have called you yesterday.” —Male, Los Angeles 14. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her. 15. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. 16. Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?” Doctor: “To the morgue.” Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!” Doctor: “And we’re not there yet." Two men are sitting and laughing on a talk show set. One wears a bright blazer with a bow tie; the other wears a casual patterned jacket BBC One via youtube.com 17. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him. He won’t come anyway. 18. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don't even care. 19. Want to know how to make a legit Caesar salad? Stab the lettuce 23 times. 20. I have a joke about depression, but it never gets better. 21. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in. 22. Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now. 23. Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side, only three more sleeps 'til Christmas. 24. Where did Michael go after the explosion? Everywhere. 25. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she's talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine! Person in a green sweater holding hand over mouth, appearing amused. Background shows kitchen setting NBC 26. I thought I hit rock bottom, but then life handed me a shovel. 27. I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof. 28. I saw a sign that said “Watch for children,” and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.” 29. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings. 30. I told my psychiatrist that I’d been hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist. 31. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline. 32. I’ve heard that three out of five people suffer from a chronic disease. Does that mean two out of five people enjoy it? 33. Doctor: “I’m afraid I have some very bad news: You’re dying and don’t have much time left.” Patient: “Oh, that’s terrible! Doc, how long have I got?” Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine… Eight…” Twisted Dark Humor Jokes 34. A guy on a plane stood up and shouted, “Hijack!” All the passengers got scared. From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “Hi, John!” 35. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny car. 36. I recently saw an for a double entendre contest. So I entered my friend. 37. People asked me to explain why I have so many skeletons in my closet. I keep them there because they can’t fit under the bed anymore, and I’m too lazy to throw them out. 38. I’ve dedicated my life to finding my husband's murderer. If you can recommend someone, let me know. 39. I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking." Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial." 40. “I asked my dad if I was adopted. He laughed and said, ‘You think someone would pick you?’” —Anonymous 41. “Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.” —Female, Ohio 42. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my husband about it. Then, I remembered why I was digging in our garden. A person with shoulder-length hair stands indoors, wearing a patterned blouse with geometric shapes and a dark pencil skirt, smiling slightly 43. Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible. 44. "What's the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish, it will die." —Female, Florida 45. “My girlfriend is like time; time is relative.” —Female, Wichita 46. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst. 47. “What did the sperm bank say to you before you leave? Thanks for coming.” —Anonymous 48. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But I find going through the ribcage a lot easier. 49. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support. 50. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals. 51. My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back? 52. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver. Two men sit side by side outdoors; one laughs with a hand over his mouth, the other looks serious in a suit Warner Bros. 53. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? It’s easy: Just stand in the middle of a busy road. 54. I see the light at the end of the tunnel...it’s probably a train. 55. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive. 56. I told my therapist I have suicidal thoughts. He said I should pay in advance. 57. What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes. 58. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page. 59. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage. 60. People asked me to explain why I have a lot of skeletons in my closet. I keep them there because they can’t fit under the bed anymore, and I’m too lazy to throw them out. 61. Never break someone’s heart; they only have one. Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them. A character smiles broadly in a science lab setting, wearing a dark suit with a high collar. People in lab coats are visible in the background Prime Video 62. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it. 63. Why is it that if you donate one kidney, people love you, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police? 64. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions. 65. When is a door not a door? When it’s just something I painted on the wall to give my captives false hope. 66. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was five. 67. Son: "Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me?" Dad: "Don’t be silly, son, you were an accident. I never loved you in the first place." 68. Do you know the phrase, “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?" It’s a wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out that you were adopted. 69. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That’s the punch line. Funny Dark Humor Jokes A person on a talk show laughs enthusiastically, sitting in a chair and gesturing with their arm NBC via youtube.com 70. Happy 70th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents! 71. What do you call headphones that walk out on their children? Deadbeats. 72. Why did the statue leave her husband? She was tired of being taken for granite. 73. What’s the worst part of being buried alive? Probably being buried alive. 74. My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters. 75. Dad: "Son, if you don't stop masturbating, you're gonna go blind." Son: "Um... Dad, I'm over here." 76. I won $3 million on the lottery so I donated a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75. 77. Me: "Do you mind if I say a word at the funeral?" Widow: "Please do." Me: [clears throat] "Plethora." Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot." 78. “How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give them and tampon and ask what period it's from.” —Anonymous 79. My luck’s so bad, if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Three people sitting together, two smiling and one with folded arms, in an office setting. They appear to be engaged in a lighthearted moment NBC 80. Feeling stressed out? Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you. 81. "Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they're dead." —Anonymous 82. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick. 83. “A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. ‘You can’t cut me down,’ the tree exclaims. ‘I’m a talking tree!’ The man responds, ‘You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.’” —Female, Canada 84. What did the ancient Roman say after a lion ate his wife? “Gladiator.” 85. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough. 86. “Why did the zombies break up? Their marriage was dead.” —Anonymous 87. Life gave me lemons. I developed scurvy. 88. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy. 89. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. Man with a thick beard sitting in an office, wearing an orange turtleneck and gray sweater, making a funny face with his tongue slightly out Paramount Pictures 90. Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today! 91. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. 92. Shout out to my grandma since that’s the only way she can hear you. 93. "Just say NO to drugs!” Well, if I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes. 94. Today, I asked my phone, “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera. 95. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person. 96. A man goes to a therapist and says, “Doctor, why do people keep ignoring me?” The therapist replies, “Next!” 97. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear. 98. How do you know you’re ugly? If you always get handed the camera for group photos. 99. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved. Person with short hair covers face with hands, showcasing rings. Wearing a patterned, long-sleeve shirt. Map in the background suggests a studio setting NBC 100. Have you heard about that new book on constipation? It hasn’t come out yet. 101. Why do we fear the Grim Reaper? He’s just there to make sure you get your eternal rest. Think of him as a sleep therapist! 102. Priest: “Do you have any last requests?” Murderer sitting in the electric chair: “Yes. Can you please hold my hand?" 103. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs. 104. Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide. 105. My therapist said time heals all wounds. So I stabbed her. 106. I had a crush on my teacher, which was confusing because I was homeschooled. 107. Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife." 108. Sex is like air. It only matters if you aren’t getting any. Dark Humor Dad Jokes A woman and man sit together, smiling. The woman has long hair and wears a necklace, while the man has short, wavy hair and wears a button-up shirt Universal Pictures 109. My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?” I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.” 110. What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm? Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm. 111. How do you know if someone is a bad cook? When everyone prays after the meal. 112. My marriage was like a hurricane. At the beginning, there was a lot of blowing, but in the end, I lost my house. 113. I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself. I said, "No, I'll probably put it in the living room." 114. Dating is a lot like fishing. Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod. 115. A man just assaulted me with milk, butter, and cheese. How dairy. 116. Did you hear about the zoo that only has a single dog? It's a Shih Tzu. 117. “Wife (while holding their one-year-old child): Darling, I'd like to have another child. Husband: What a relief to hear you say that. I don't like this one either.” —Anonymous 118. My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried. I think she’s jokinsdnbfjadskbngfsjkgbsafgfsgadfgd. Two people on a talk show couch, one in a suit speaking animatedly, the other in a dark off-shoulder dress laughing heartily BBC One via youtube.com 119. I was at the park the other day when a mother sat down beside me. After a while, she leaned over and asked, “Which one is yours?” I looked at her and said, “I haven’t decided yet.” 120. Christmas is like a day at the office. You do all the work, then some guy who only shows up once a year takes all the credit. 121. “I felt really sick to my stomach last week. I think it was because I slept with a guy missing half his foot. I must be lack toes intolerant.” —Male, Palm Springs 122. “What is the cheapest type of meat? Deer balls. They’re always under a buck.” —Male, Denver 123. Ah, cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body! 124. What’s the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage is eye-opening. 125. I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…so she gave me a hug. 126. Why didn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man. 127. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. 128. I have many jokes about unemployed people — sadly, none of them work. Man in an office smiles holding a file folder, standing by a desk with a computer and cityscape views HBO 129. Teamwork is super important. It really helps to put the blame on someone else. 130. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example. 131. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 132. Why did the man get hit by a bike every day? He was stuck in a vicious cycle. 133. What did Kermit the Frog say at his puppeteer’s funeral? Not a word. 134. Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?” Dad: “Call me George.” 135. I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you still holding the ladder?" 136. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors. 137. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny. 138. My wife says sex is even better on holiday. I wish she hadn’t told me via email. A person in an elegant period gown and gloves at a formal event, appearing surprised. Other attendees in historical attire socializing in background Netflix 139. I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed and laughed — well, except one person. 140. I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane. 141. When's the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades. 142. The other day, I asked my friend if he thought he was paranoid. He replied, “Why? Who wants to know?” 143. Can fish breakdance? Yes, but just for 30 seconds and only once. 144. Option 1: Let’s eat, Grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat Grandma. There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives. 145. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow. What's your go-to dark humor joke? Drop it in the comments or answer anonymously using the form below, and it might be added to this post!
Subject: Pantyhose Quiz Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?? Now, think about it..... Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? Positive???? Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.
Donald & Daisy: Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said "No." Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill? "No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a friggen' pervert do you think I am?" WELCOME
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT???The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently.Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list! |
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